Seven Pirates H (Nintendo Switch) Review

The 'Pirates' in Seven Pirates H stands for the main gist of this… "story" which is a pirate treasure hunt in some uncharted territory. The pirate cast of this pirate tale will have to explore an archipelago, find items to strengthen themselves or craft new equipment, fight monsters to gather experience, and complete missions - mostly of the "gather X of Y" variety. Why does the 'H' mean you ask? Oh, that's just the cup size of the bra that most girls will have to wear by the end of this adventure. Yup, once more, an anime-looking game from Nippon, uses 'oppai' as its main source of inspiration. This is full of bouncy breasts of all sizes, so it caters to a very particular demographic. Note, though, that breasts here are actually more than a means to excite young gentlemen and sell more copies. Probably…

Gather enough XP, and a character can then level-up through the use of the so called 'Booby Training.' This mode has you (yes, you) fondle some anime tiddies by grabbing, pinching, and pulling, something that basically affects the stats of the character. Want some attack power? Massage those bazongas to increase their size. Want agility? Massage them the other way around to decrease it. The rest of the stats follow the same basic idea, with perkiness, softness, and so on and forth being affected by Booby Training.

This is… well, this is kind of creepy to be honest. The one writing this is no stranger to such titles, and is no prune by any means, but this belongs in that family of games that has characters that look way, way to young. Yes, this uses the typical "All characters depicted are 18+ years of age," but your subconscious will find it hard not to think that you are doing something terribly, terribly wrong. Should such a game be taken as seriously? Probably not. Such titles usually understand the ridiculousness of it all, so it's kind of all right - just be warned that if you hate the teen-looking adults trope of anime you won't feel very comfortable playing this.

Ok, so part of the fun here comes from the ecchi silliness on offer. The girls wear skimpy pirate attire (sort of); the enemies are comprised of penis mushrooms, butt monsters, breast critters… and even more penis mushrooms, for some reason; there are a bunch of friendly chibi characters that are basically small walking breasts; MP for special abilities is generated while fighting, and when you reach a certain amount the pirate gets… well, aroused, and the animations are generally very erotic in nature, with the camera focusing where it needs to. You get the idea. There's lots of fanservice here, and it takes central stage. Which leads to the most important question: is this all there is to enjoy here? Well… yes.

This plays a lot like a watered down Neptunia game. In other words, it's an even simpler version of one of the most simplistic dungeon crawling JRPGs one can experience. You enter tiny, self-contained maps with not much to do but grind for resources and XP, with a boss usually at the end, and some treasure chests scattered around. There's really no thought process required, as you can simply press Y to make the girls handle the battles on their own, and occasionally (read: rarely) step in to heal when necessary. The bosses can be a little trickier, but a brain melter this is not. You simply need to focus on elemental weaknesses (called pheromones here, because… comedy), use some boosting skills, heal, and that's it. If all else fails, grind for 10 minutes or so and repeat the battle.

Ok, so this isn't the great, epic RPG most would want it to be. Does this mean it's a bad game? Not exactly. This is enjoyable, but only if approached with a specific mindset. Apart from the obvious fact that this is mainly about the ecchiness, this also caters to - very - casual gamers. It's not something that you can play for hours upon hours. You just turn it on, do some minor (but quick) grinding for XP, money, and resources for quests, and "upgrade" the crew, before moving on, or simply turning the system off and doing something else. It can get extremely repetitive, however. Not only that, but the fanservice gives you pretty much all it has in the first three hours or so. In other words, there are better recommendations out there, so approach only if you feel the price is right.