The Procession to Calvary (PC) Review

This begins with the heroine slaying a bunch of twits. Happily. Very much so, in fact. She is quite good at it too! Trouble is, the Holy War is over, and any further slaying of twits and the like is strictly forbidden. Wait a tick, though. Maybe this brand new ruler of this realm, the so-called 'Immortal John,' can help her out with this pickle. It seems that John, an otherwise benevolent leader (if she is to believe him, that is), didn't like how Heavenly Peter, the previous chap who used to run the show, escaped their grasp. That's all this noble lady needs! Seconds after John simply suggests (sort off) killing Heavenly Peter, she begins running towards her new, unfortunate target.

Note that this ugly, ugly, ugly protagonist, is Rembrandt's Bellona. In fact, everything here has "jumped out" of a renaissance painting. The result of that unique art style is a world that's filled with an incredible variety of lush scenes, which are all beautiful, and extremely surreal at the same time - as if the original pieces weren't surreal enough. This bizarre medieval vibe gets enhanced by tenfold from the 17th century music that bops along, especially since the one(s) performing each symphony, suite, or concerto, is right there in the background, which adds to the "alien" feel of it all.

Moreover, this has a sense of humour that those who are into British comedy with a knack for the weird, the satirical, and the unexpected, will definitely adore. You'll meet a lady who sells T-Shirts, amongst constantly screaming, crucified people; you'll exchange jewellery with the emo/I-need-to-find-myself version of Johannes Vermeer's Girl with a pearl Earring; marvel at God breaking the fourth wall; ask help from a magician who has an uncanny similarity to a certain holy person; be handed more fart and butt jokes than you know you wanted; and many, many, unbelievably many more.

The one that takes the biscuit is the marvellously sick, psychotic heroine, who will do anything to reach her goal, and be an arse to everyone while at it. She'll even kidnap a 'Young Boy with a supple butt,' as bribe for a priest. Yup, this has a very idiosyncratic flavour of humour, where, like with the comedy of the Pythons, the genius of it all is hidden under a thick layer of "unsophisticated" jokes. This can also be particularly violent and somewhat "offensive" at times. This critic loved everything about it, but it's easy to see how some won't. Well, their loss. This is quirky British comedy in video game form.

This emphasis in the funny aspect of it all, is simply due to how this is the main dish. Gameplay-wise this is your standard point-and-click adventure. Fun, but potential buyers should not come in for that. The pleasure here is to interact with the world, and listen to what the people have to say. Even when the solution to something is obvious, you are advised to keep poking around, exhausting every single dialogue option available. Take the 'Slap' move, for example. It has no practical use, but it contributes to the playful nature of the whole thing - and is consistent with the character of the fun-to-be-around heroine.

Strictly judging this as a video game, it's a pretty enjoyable one. It doesn't avoid some of the genre's common issues, like the occasional annoying puzzle, but it generally strikes a great balance between being challenging yet logical, and requiring some out-of-the-box thinking. There won't be any need for a walkthrough, however, even if some puzzles do follow their own internal logic. Then again, if everything fails, you can simply unsheathe your sword, and kill whoever is standing in your way, which, of course, changes the ending - without that meaning that you should not try that out too.

Reaching all three endings is the only form of replayability, and due to the journey taking just a little over three hours, most will soon see everything there is to see. In fact, you don't even need to replay the game to watch them all. If there's a "serious" flaw here, that's the pacing. While most "chapters" don't overstay their welcome, the last one is a very long fetch quest. It's not that it's bad or anything, but it will make you feel as if there's no actual progress, since you'll be running around the same couple of areas for more than an hour. Fortunately, even with that issue, this remains a high recommendation.