Chuck Rock (Mega Drive) Review

Initially a title for the - awesome - Amiga line of personal computers, you aren't missing much by playing a port of Chuck Rock on, well, pretty much any 16-bit platform. The only thing that this lacks is the original intro - maybe due to memory constraints, but more probably because this cut-scene shows dear Ophelia showing her sexy behinds to the players, as she bends over to take care of her laundry. Massive leaf bra included. While that happens, her hubby Chuck is hitting the bottle (thrice) while watching TV (don't ask), while an aroused… err, Caveman Elvis, or whatever his name is approaches Ophelia, and does the old club-in-the-head-and-kidnapping maneuver.

Anyways, the game begins, and the kick-ass title theme starts playing; which sounds very… Mega Drive, by the way. You know, with that unique, "dirty" rock sound the system had. The rest of the OST isn't that catchy, though. It is just a generic fusion of funk and rock, with a little bit of Stone Age jungle vibe thrown in - and, in all honesty, the same can be said about the audio-visuals of Chuck Rock as a whole. This won't impress anyone. It's one more caveman-themed platformer (there are many), with a forgettable hero, a forgettable cast of enemies like lizards, mammoths, and even more lizards, and a bunch of… okay-ish, and stereotypically Jurassic locales.

Gameplay-wise, gone is the speed that can be usually found in the genre. Chuck isn't exactly in a hurry. He slowly walks from left to right, belly-hitting or jump-kicking his foes when necessary, which, make no mistake, is nowhere near as fun as stomping, hacking 'n' slashing, or projectile-throwing. Not only that, but the reach of Chuck's, otherwise impressive, set of abs, makes the whole thing extra annoying - as if the weird, unreliable hitboxes weren't aggravating enough. If you think that's there's a way to avoid confrontations, think again. This is all there is to be done here…

Oh, yeah. The chubby hero can also pick up rocks of varying sizes and throw them at enemies, but these are mostly there to add a paper-thin layer of exploration, as these boulders can act as platforms that can help him follow a different route, avoid a number of enemies or traps, or simply reach a place where more points can be accumulated. Is there any incentive to do all this? Not really. Apart from the whole process being boring as hell, points are gathered way too slow, so you are better of going straight for the finishing line of each stage, and not spending any time with "exploration." On one hand, though, you'll probably need those 1-Ups, although this is definitely not one of those 'Nintendo Hard' video games.

Some trial-and error-is to be expected in most retro platformers, but Chuck Rock is a bit too trial-and-error-y for its own sake, although far from the worst of its kind. The reason? It has you do a bunch of leaps of faith, deal with levels that are more annoying than challenging due to the way enemies have been placed around, with smaller critters occasionally blending in with the background. Generally, between trying to damage animals with Chuck's silly belly-hit move, or trying to stomach the boredom and aggravation that are the levels, this just isn't fun to play.

The best example of how boring this is how, while a tiny, super short adventure, it feels like it never ends. The blame should go to how each "world" is divided between four smaller acts… although there's really no reason to, as they aren't that different from each other. In other words: artificial length. Chuck Rock runs out of steam incredibly fast, and just keeps on offering the same few things it has to offer for an hour or so. Sorry to those who grew up with this, but Ophelia's sexy behinds, or enormous leaf bra isn't worth the trouble.