Wanking Simulator (PC) Review

At its core, Wanking Simulator is a first-person action-adventure sandbox, where you, a semi-naked dude with the hilarious name Gay, must go to Gay Bay (again, lots of laughs people), and carry out all sorts of objectives, destroying everything on your path to pass the time, and, yes, doing that while at it. Worry not, fellow gamer of culture, you won't get to see anyone… beating his meat here. By pressing Caps Lock, this wonderful specimen of a man gets into wanking mode, simulating the act with his hand. The reason, aside from building a meter that will let him use a couple of special abilities (what you've read), is of course to make you laugh.

You won't laugh. Like, at all. This just isn't funny. Leisure Suit Larry has purposely lame sexual innuendos, and a hero who gets in all sorts of wacky situations, Octodad has the titular octop… err, human struggling to carry out the simplest of tasks, and Surgeon Simulator has you essentially murdering your patients while you try to save them. This has you punching at beefy transvestites, blowing up cars, and… punching even more beefy transvestites, while also waxing your carrot. Oh, yeah, and you get to laugh with some crazy ragdoll physics, because ragdoll physics are funny. Like, for two seconds or so.

The really bizarre thing? It plays it way too safe. It is light years away from how weird, silly, or offensive it thinks it is, when it could really benefit from being so. This is Saints Row without the character (aka, giant dildos). Think about it: this title is called Wanking Simulator, yet the funniest thing you'll see is a man bouncing around a room destroying the furniture because you punched him too hard - but you get to smoke weed and do LSD to fill your health and so on. This game is so freaking zany! Am I right fellas?!? Long story short, you won't get your wacky fix here…

Take away the "concept," no matter how disappointing the execution is, and in the end what you get is a boring sandbox where you can't exactly do much. Purposely silly games such as these are great when you can forget about your objectives, and just go crazy with the mechanics, but here you will mainly punch, kick, or blow out stock human models, watch them fly… and that's about it. Not exactly very… stimulating, is it? The laziness of the developer is even more evident in how this piece of software doesn't even run that well (the loading times will kill you), and how it lacks basic things, like the option to change the controls.