Crazy Frog Racer (Game Boy Advance) Review

My wife sat watching my play this atrocious Game Boy Advance game via my GB Player on the GameCube and wondered why on Earth I was playing it. She did not even think it was a proper game. It is THAT bad that even my wife, with her limited knowledge of gaming, could instantly tell what a pathetic excuse for a 'game' this is. Quite an impressive feat in its own right...

First of all, when it comes to racing games, especially those using Mode 7 technology, such as Super Mario Kart did on the SNES, it is the actually race track that moves around, whilst the character you are controlling remains stationary. Now, the trick is to make the slight movements of the racer such that they fool the eye of the gamer into thinking it is actually to other way round. Thus all is well in the world. However, that is certainly not the case here. In fact, so poor is the movement of whichever racer you choose, that reaching the finish line takes nothing more than a half-hearted tap to the left or right every now-and-then! There is absolutely no sense of speed or any need to react sharply to avoid crashing whilst going round corners. It is just one of the most painfully mundane gaming experiences I have ever come across...and I played Bubsy the Bobcat on the SNES!

So it makes you wonder just what the developer was thinking. Was its heart really poured into this racing cash-in or did it merely try to make some quick money from the brand name before people grew tired of the stomach-churningly idiotic frog? I will leave that one to you guys, but you would have to hope the latter, for its sake, because if Crazy Frog Racer was the best it could produce, then there is definitely something wrong! Plus, the sheer fact that this is still listed at the scandalous price of £24.99 in most stores is a horror to behold. To think that poor parents are actually wasting that amount of money on something that their children will grow tired of after no more than about ten minutes pains me deeply.

But look at what the concept is on paper. The game states that 'The Annoying Thing' is to star in his own version of Wacky Races. See, that already sounds quite intriguing. You are then told that the crazy amphibian and his friends are to race in a high octane riot through cityscapes and underground mayhem. Wow, this could actually be half decent! Being able to blast your opponents, use zany power-ups and super boosts to screech your way to victory over three cups spread across twelve tracks, complete with eight unique characters, really does sound like a contender for the GBA racing crown, with Mario Kart: Super Circuit and Banjo Pilot being the top two in this genre at the moment. You can even play with up to four-players across four different multiplayer modes.

Yet just wait a second...let us analyse this situation a bit more. First of all, seriously, what friends does the Crazy Frog have that we know about? None that I can even remember after playing through just a few days ago, that is for sure! And furthermore, is twelve tracks really enough nowadays? Doubtful. But anyway, you could be somewhat forgiven for being sucked in by this clever gaming blurb. It would be a shame if you or your children had to partake in such torture, though. I cannot even begin to talk about the music and *shudders* sound effects, for fear of bursting into tears! What a criminal waste of the licensed MusyX Audio Tools from the superb Factor 5...

The graphics are so basic that this could be replicated on the 8-bit NES without much effort, with barely any roadside visuals worth noting and completely indistinguishable weapons at your disposal. So not only are you bored because of the slow pace and depressing visuals, but you also have basically no idea what each blurred weapon icon means...unless you actually play the game for a while, which is not advised if you; 1.) Wish to maintain stable mental health; 2.) Would like to keep your GBA is half decent condition and not see its remains once you have thrown it against the wall / out the window / down the toilet / and so on. It is dire throughout and I cannot think of anything positive to say about it, especially given the cheek of being sold for full price at retail...